As you all undoubtedly know by now, there is a rapist playing in the Super Bowl.
And I’m not just referring to the things that occur at the bottom of a dogpile.
The rapist in question committed his offences off the field and is riding that ability to exploit holes in defenses all the way to the top. Ben “I’d tap that” Roethlisberger is the starting quarterback for the Pittsburg Steelers
“Alright guys, let’s run the Hook and Roofie on 3! ... Hook and Ladder! I said Ladder!”
Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Ben Roethlisberger is a bad man! A four game suspension isn’t enough for the things he probably did that were never proven in court. Surely someone as intelligent as you, Dear Vigilante, must hate his guts too.”
Wrong.
Football is entertainment, and I want Ben to get into the theatrics. Embrace the bad boy image, but in a badass way, instead of coming across like a little bitch (I’m looking at you, Lebron.) I want Roethlisberger to raise the public’s hatred of him to an absolute pinnacle, so he can win and rub the Lombardi trophy in their faces like he’s smashing a puppy’s nose in its own shit.
Ben needs impromptu press conferences, preferably ones where he’s wearing a t-shirt displaying the portrait of a missing child and a caption underneath reading, “I know where your kid is, but I’m not telling you.” Here are a few key phrases I think he should pepper into these interviews to get the bad vibrations going.
“At this point the Packers should just bend over and prepare to take what I’m dishing out.”
“Aaron Rodgers chugs more dick than that sorority girl I have handcuffed to my bed.”
“I’m going to molest the Packer’s secondary.”
“If I win the Super Bowl I can get away with anything at the after-party, right? Like, you guys will just look the other way?”
“Mark Sanchez’s mom is a total MILF. Get a few shots in her and I bet I could get to third base. Who am I kidding? I’d make sure I rode that all the way home.”
“So, hypothetically, if I rape AJ Hawk’s wife that’ll get two NFL players pissed at me since she’s Brady Quinn’s sister? Hypothetically, of course...”
“This game will be even more fun than betting on the dogs at Mike Vick’s place.”
“Sorry I was late for the interview, guys, I was just watching ‘The Last House on the Left.’ Fuckin’ great movie, am I right?”
Don’t get confused and start thinking I’m a Steelers fan or anything, I’m not. I just love a good controversy, and to see someone embrace it for once would be more fun than a barrel full of smaller barrels. The world doesn’t have enough villains, or even people who are cool enough to make jokes about themselves. Right now Ben just looks like a douche-nozzle for trying to make everyone forget about his transgressions. I’d much rather see him flip off the Green Bay fans when he’s running out of the tunnel or ram the penalty flag down a ref’s throat. Pro Sports needs a bad boy, and what kind of person is worse than a rapist?
The only glimmer of hope I found for my vision was from the press conference after the AFC title game. When asked about the Packers, Roethlisberger snapped “Pack her? I barely knew her! I swear she said she was 18!” Sadly, I think it might’ve just been a reflex.
The Spring semester has started, the Vigilantes are back.
The Spring semester has started, the Vigilantes are back.
