Why Superman Sucks

 

Quick! Who’s the greatest, super-est, most heroic-ist superhero of all time.

Not fast enough. And also, wrong. You’re probably thinking of Superman.

Cause of death: lack of swag 

It’s Captain Marvel. He’s much more of a hero than Superman could ever be.

 

“But, Vigilante,” you stutter your response like the stunted half-wit you are, “Superman’s the best there is. He’s got super strength, super speed, invulnerability, super-intelligence, super-hearing, super-stamina, the ability to fly, frost breath, heat vision, x-ray vision, and perhaps most important, his super-nose!”

Not sure I want to know what scent he followed to that alley... 

Yeah, I guess he’s alright. Superman is a selfless boy scout who always does the right thing and he’s a great example of the altruistic, perfect-role-model hero that gives us all something to look up to. The company that would later be known as DC did a pretty good job when they invented Superman in 1938.

He's destroying that car because it's not made in America, dammit! 

Captain Marvel’s better. He was created less than 2 years after Superman by Fawcett Comics, but instead of calling him a Superman rip-off I prefer to think of him as an improvement.

 Superman lifts cars? Captain marvel fucking throws them. 

If you look at powers it’s almost a dead heat. Captain Marvel has the Wisdom of Solomon, Strength of Hercules, Stamina of Atlas, Power of Zeus, Courage of Achilles, and the Speed of Mercury.

“Holy shit!” You screech whilst soiling yourself, “Solomon and Zeus? In addition to the powers of multiple Greek Gods and Demigods Captain Marvel has the wisdom of Solomon?” Solomon’s a Jewish king from the Hebrew Old Testament, meaning Captain Marvel has the power of the fucking Bible on his side.

Plus, Solomon was Jewish so Captain Marvel must be great with money

 

If you want to see them duke it out, DC bought the rights to Captain marvel ages ago and now places him in their universe, so you have this. But, this isn’t about powers.

You see, Superman is an outer-space alien who happens to look human. He’s the last remnant of a master race that should be ruling earth instead of us. From infancy, Superman had the powers of a God among men. His greatness comes from choosing to use those powers to help humanity rather than enslave us all. But the problem is, he’s not relatable. He’s not human. He doesn’t know what it’s like to be weak, human, or fallible. He’s an untouchable god our children could never hope of making a connection with. Superman was designed and created in a time where comics were meant for little boys but he gives children nothing to relate to.

That’s why we got a generation of emo Batman fans with daddy issues

Captain Marvel, however, is a little boy.

The perfect metaphor for puberty

Billy Batson is an average kid who was chosen by an ancient wizard to become the superpowered force for good. When troubles get too big, the world is too scary, or there is an injustice to widespread for him to stop, all Billy Batson has to do is say one word and in a literal flash of lightning, he becomes Captain Marvel. Billy Batson may not be able to solve the problems threatening him, but he knows Captain Marvel can.

What kid hasn’t wished they could just grow up in order to escape curfews, chores, arguing parents, or terrifying life in a broken home? All the children who read Captain Marvel’s early adventures had an escape, a fantasy world where a powerless child could instantly “grow up” and escape the helplessness of life as a child. Superman never had the fears that the average child did, never experienced a life where he couldn’t just punch his way out of trouble.

Through Billy Batson and Captain Marvel children have a hero that is just as powerful, invulnerable, and intrinsically dedicated to good as Superman, but is miraculously relatable at the same time. Captain Marvel fulfills the fantasy of exodus from the mundane to the fantasic, where we can become the hero we wish we were. Captain Marvel is the ultimate escape for children, and by extension, the child inside all of us. Aren’t we all scared sometimes? We have so much to fear: bills, economic downturns, serial killers, war, genocide, and natural disasters. If we could say SHAZAM and instantly have the power to make all that better, to get rid of the fear in our lives, I bet we’d all do it without a second thought.

Ask yourself this. Wouldn’t we appreciate the power to change the world for good much more than someone who’s never known what it’s like to feel fear and vulnerability?