Today I was introduced to the worst Buzzfeed article ever to disgrace the internet.
http://www.buzzfeed.com/tabathaleggett/18-questions-i-asked-myself-when-i-watched-the-simpsons-for
Incensed, I tracked down the "author" of this piece on facebook and sent her a delightful little message. It is pasted in its entirety below and I have screenshots as evidence that this was sent.
What I sent begins below...
"I want to open this message with a series of questions.
1. Have you been lobotomized?
2. Were you kicked in the head by a horse? Possibly repeatedly?
3. Are you, or have you ever been, classified as "livestock" instead of human?
If you answered "Yes" to any of the above questions, please disregard the rest of this message as you are excused for the atrocities you have committed against humanity, the internet, and the English language.
If you answered "No" to the above questions, then no excuse can be made that will absolve you of the sin of writing your Buzzfeed "article" "18 Questions I Asked Myself When I Watched 'The Simpsons' For The First Time"
Located here...
http://www.buzzfeed.com/tabathaleggett/18-questions-i-asked-myself-when-i-watched-the-simpsons-for
I'm not a big fan of The Simpsons. I've seen an episode here and there because, unlike you, I know a use for the TV remote beyond gnawing on it until the "tasty parts" fall out (Note: these are batteries, and you should stop eating them). Almost all of your "points" in this article could only be uttered by someone who was beaten and kept in a basement until the age of 23, or one who had the reasoning power of a grapefruit. Since I didn't hear a news story about a 23 year old simpleton found living in the London sewer system, I'll assume you're the latter. Included in your 18 "point" article were the following...
"2. Why does no one age?"
"10. Why does no one ever change their clothes?"
"12. Why does everyone have only four fingers?"
"15. Who fixes stuff after Homer makes it explode?"
Have you ever seen a cartoon before? Looney Tunes, Disney, a drawing on the back of a classmate's notebook during school? Actually, scratch that last one. I forgot that at your school none of the students were allowed to touch sharp objects like pens and pencils for fear of the harm they might do to themselves. I still don't know how you've never seen Bugs Bunny, Peter Griffin, Mickey Mouse, or Arnold from "Hey Arnold!" They don't age, they wear the same clothes every day, they don't have scientifically accurate anatomies and they perform all sorts outlandish acts that could never occur in real life because they are CARTOON CHARACTERS. It's possible almost every child in every country on earth has grasped this simple concept, why can't you? I suppose you'd prefer it if an aging Goofy was put in an assisted living home by his middle-aged son, Max, because Goofy's Alzheimer's had progressed to the point where he couldn't remember the funerals of his dear friends Minnie and Donald. Gee, that would be a great sequel to "A Goofy Movie." I can't believe they haven't made that yet.
Since you have the mental capacity of a starfish let me take this opportunity to point out that the last few sentences employed a style of humor called "sarcasm." I'd explain it to you but I'm writing an insulting message, not "A Book for Idiots: How to Live Without a Brain."
You continue in your "article" with questions such as...
"1. Why is everyone yellow?"
"3. Why do some characters have hair, but others just have head extensions?"
"5. Why does Homer only have three hairs?"
"7. Why do only female characters have eyelashes?"
"8. Why is Millhouse the only character with eyebrows?"
Have you ever heard of "art?" How about character design? Creative license? No. Somehow I doubt you have. I'll just move on to (possibly) the dumbest question on your list...
"9. How tall are they?"
How tall are they? Does it matter? Are you drafting for the Milwaukee Bucks and scouting available talent for the Power Forward slot? Does knowing their stats add anything to viewing the show? Does not knowing the characters' heights leave a gap in knowledge that keeps you from understanding the story lines in a 21 minute cartoon? Let me tell you, honey, it's not the lack of vertical information that's keeping you from understanding "The Simpsons," it's the fact that your parents found a microwave big enough to hold you as an infant and put you in there for a few minutes after each bath to "dry you off". You don't have any synapses left. The inside of your skull is like a Cup of Noodle without the flavor packet: limp trash without an ounce of value.
You did ask one good question on your list though. You finally started to hone in on something with your final "point."
"18. WHY IS NO ONE ELSE IN THE WHOLE WORLD BOTHERED BY ALL OF THIS NONSENSE? WHY DON’T I GET IT? AM I NORMAL?"
No, you're not normal. You're what we in the rest of the world call an "idiot." Let me in on a little secret. You ready? You don't have a boyfriend. That's a caretaker provided by the state to ensure you don't choke to death trying to swallow a doorknob. You don't have friends. You have a circle of acquaintances that laugh at you behind your back. You are not normal, because normal people have thoughts and the ability to reason.
...and they say TV makes you dumb. You're living proof that the human brain can be destroyed beyond repair without cable access."
I regret nothing.
http://www.buzzfeed.com/tabathaleggett/18-questions-i-asked-myself-when-i-watched-the-simpsons-for
Incensed, I tracked down the "author" of this piece on facebook and sent her a delightful little message. It is pasted in its entirety below and I have screenshots as evidence that this was sent.
What I sent begins below...
"I want to open this message with a series of questions.
1. Have you been lobotomized?
2. Were you kicked in the head by a horse? Possibly repeatedly?
3. Are you, or have you ever been, classified as "livestock" instead of human?
If you answered "Yes" to any of the above questions, please disregard the rest of this message as you are excused for the atrocities you have committed against humanity, the internet, and the English language.
If you answered "No" to the above questions, then no excuse can be made that will absolve you of the sin of writing your Buzzfeed "article" "18 Questions I Asked Myself When I Watched 'The Simpsons' For The First Time"
Located here...
http://www.buzzfeed.com/tabathaleggett/18-questions-i-asked-myself-when-i-watched-the-simpsons-for
I'm not a big fan of The Simpsons. I've seen an episode here and there because, unlike you, I know a use for the TV remote beyond gnawing on it until the "tasty parts" fall out (Note: these are batteries, and you should stop eating them). Almost all of your "points" in this article could only be uttered by someone who was beaten and kept in a basement until the age of 23, or one who had the reasoning power of a grapefruit. Since I didn't hear a news story about a 23 year old simpleton found living in the London sewer system, I'll assume you're the latter. Included in your 18 "point" article were the following...
"2. Why does no one age?"
"10. Why does no one ever change their clothes?"
"12. Why does everyone have only four fingers?"
"15. Who fixes stuff after Homer makes it explode?"
Have you ever seen a cartoon before? Looney Tunes, Disney, a drawing on the back of a classmate's notebook during school? Actually, scratch that last one. I forgot that at your school none of the students were allowed to touch sharp objects like pens and pencils for fear of the harm they might do to themselves. I still don't know how you've never seen Bugs Bunny, Peter Griffin, Mickey Mouse, or Arnold from "Hey Arnold!" They don't age, they wear the same clothes every day, they don't have scientifically accurate anatomies and they perform all sorts outlandish acts that could never occur in real life because they are CARTOON CHARACTERS. It's possible almost every child in every country on earth has grasped this simple concept, why can't you? I suppose you'd prefer it if an aging Goofy was put in an assisted living home by his middle-aged son, Max, because Goofy's Alzheimer's had progressed to the point where he couldn't remember the funerals of his dear friends Minnie and Donald. Gee, that would be a great sequel to "A Goofy Movie." I can't believe they haven't made that yet.
Since you have the mental capacity of a starfish let me take this opportunity to point out that the last few sentences employed a style of humor called "sarcasm." I'd explain it to you but I'm writing an insulting message, not "A Book for Idiots: How to Live Without a Brain."
You continue in your "article" with questions such as...
"1. Why is everyone yellow?"
"3. Why do some characters have hair, but others just have head extensions?"
"5. Why does Homer only have three hairs?"
"7. Why do only female characters have eyelashes?"
"8. Why is Millhouse the only character with eyebrows?"
Have you ever heard of "art?" How about character design? Creative license? No. Somehow I doubt you have. I'll just move on to (possibly) the dumbest question on your list...
"9. How tall are they?"
How tall are they? Does it matter? Are you drafting for the Milwaukee Bucks and scouting available talent for the Power Forward slot? Does knowing their stats add anything to viewing the show? Does not knowing the characters' heights leave a gap in knowledge that keeps you from understanding the story lines in a 21 minute cartoon? Let me tell you, honey, it's not the lack of vertical information that's keeping you from understanding "The Simpsons," it's the fact that your parents found a microwave big enough to hold you as an infant and put you in there for a few minutes after each bath to "dry you off". You don't have any synapses left. The inside of your skull is like a Cup of Noodle without the flavor packet: limp trash without an ounce of value.
You did ask one good question on your list though. You finally started to hone in on something with your final "point."
"18. WHY IS NO ONE ELSE IN THE WHOLE WORLD BOTHERED BY ALL OF THIS NONSENSE? WHY DON’T I GET IT? AM I NORMAL?"
No, you're not normal. You're what we in the rest of the world call an "idiot." Let me in on a little secret. You ready? You don't have a boyfriend. That's a caretaker provided by the state to ensure you don't choke to death trying to swallow a doorknob. You don't have friends. You have a circle of acquaintances that laugh at you behind your back. You are not normal, because normal people have thoughts and the ability to reason.
...and they say TV makes you dumb. You're living proof that the human brain can be destroyed beyond repair without cable access."
I regret nothing.
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