Marky Mark 4 Lyfe

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Mark Wahlberg is a god. He was Dirk Diggler in Boogie Nights, the only man who survived The Departed and he didn’t let any old men suck his dick in The Basketball Diaries (Spoiler alert: a man sucks Leonardo DiCaprio’s weiner in that movie).

But how could we forget he was also the man who brought us this.

“Good Vibrations” by Marky Mark and The Funky Bunch. Mark Wahlberg is a savage beast with pecs you could iron your slacks on. Why did he need the help of this mysterious “Funky Bunch” to make a song?

No, they look really comfortable with him.

The answer: Because this song had too much soul for even Mark Wahlberg to handle.

Let’s “break it down”, as a white guy from Boston would say if he wished he were black.

0:01 – Okay, I love the synth-snare intro. Mark Wahlberg obviously decided that real drums were for pussies and that Casio had the beats that really speak to the youth culture.

0:05 – “Yeeaaahhh, can you feel it, baby?” Wahlberg moans like he’s talking on the phone while taking a dump. Is he trying to seduce me/ What am I supposed to be feeling? Does he really know me well enough to call me his “baby?” Is he talking to a real infant? If so, he got his “baby talk” and his “I’m going to molest a newborn” tones mixed up.

0:09 – Marky doesn’t wait for my answer, or else he can read my mind because his follow up to the above question is “I can too.” What are Mark Wahlberg and I both feeling? He sounds out of breath, which is normal for Wahlberg who delivers every line of dialogue like he just sprinted 3 blocks and barged into the room, but with female “ooh”s in the background it sounds like I’m sandwiched in a threesome with Mark and Serena Williams

0:10-0:22 – The viewers seem to be peeping through a set of venetian blinds as a woman undresses in front of a shirtless Wahlberg. I feel like a pervert. Then a group of dancing negroes (that’s what they were called in the 90's, right?) appear on screen while Mark’s voice urges them to “come on, swing.” Are the Funky Bunch his slaves? If not, why would they take orders? That seems like a terrible form of collaboration.

0:34 – A slightly smaller version of Aretha Franklin dressed in Liberace’s castoffs belts out “It’s such a good vibration” while Mark Wahlberg tapes his hands in preparation for what appears to be a boxing match. What is the good vibration? Is this what I was supposed to be feeling earlier? What kind of sex toys does Mark like to play with?

0:49 – “Yo,” Mark speak-raps angrily, “It’s about that time.” What time? Time for you to start the fucking song? Yeah, we’re basically a minute in and all you’ve done is moan a couple sentences.

0:51 – “…to break forth the rhythm and the rhyme.” Ohhh, that’s what time it is. Okay, since it’s that time you should probably leave and let a black person take over this song. You’re white, you have no rhythm, and rhyming “time” with “rhyme” isn’t exactly poetry.

0:56 – “I wanna see sweat comin’ out your pores.” What? Why do you want to see that, Mark? Are you aroused by that or simply urging me to exercise and maintain good cardiovascular health?

1:00 - “Strictly hip hop, no I ain’t singin’ this.”

You’re not singing this, Mark? Then who the fuck is? This is your song but you’re telling us that you’re not even performing in it. That’d be like me saying “This is my house but none of my stuff is there and I don’t ever go inside.”

1:02 – “Bringing this to the entire nation. Black, white, red, brown, feel the vibration.”

I think you’re a racist, Mark. “Red” is not a politically correct term for an entire group of people. I also notice you left out yellow, very interesting…

1:10 – Look at these clips of Mark boxing while wearing a backwards cap: poetry in motion. It has nothing to do with the song, but it captures the essence of douchebaggery.

1:16 – Once again we’re peeping in on a woman stripteasing for Mark. We’re voyeurs and Wahlberg looks at the camera like “You should stop peeking through these blinds if you want to keep your teeth.” I think I got a half-chub.

1:19 – WTF, Mark Wahlberg is curling cinder blocks attached to some sort of pole. Are you telling me he has a punching bag, a speed bag, and all the other proper boxing equipment but won’t splurge on real weights? Come on buddy, that just seems unsafe.

1:25 – No, he has real dumbells, but I guess lifting cinder blocks gives you more street cred than giant metal plates with standardized weights designed for safety and complete training.

1:27 – Wait, he bench presses real weights. Why does he use the cinder blocks for curls? Mark Wahlberg’s workout makes my head hurt, something that must happen to him every time he tries to read.

1:30 - “Vibrations good like Sunkist” Wait, is this an orange soda commercial? Are you getting paid to mention these brands in your song? What’s next? “I’m vibrating like I’m made by Trojan, Decaffeinated Lipton White Tea is my favorite love potion?”

1:32 – “…made me want to know who done this.” You did, you idiot. This is your song.

1:38 – “I'm here to prove to you that we can party on the positive side and pump positive vibes.” Wait is this song about sex toys or having an upbeat attitude? Is the guy who went on to play a heroin addict, a prostitute, and a professional thief about to preach to me?

1:44 – He’s fully clothed! Can you keep your shirt on for more than two seconds, Mark? Let’s see.

1:46 – No, he cannot.

2:00 – Now Mark Wahlberg’s having sex while the lady sings the chorus. You couldn’t wait until the song was over, Mark? You need counseling. Why is there a naked lady in this video anyway if it’s about being positive instead of kinky sex?

2:03 – I’m glad Mark keeps the bandana tied to his head during sex. I was worried we wouldn’t be able to identify him as a tool while he rams his tongue past her tonsils.

2:08 – You dropped the cinder block weights, mark, and they broke. See how unsafe they are? Someone could be injured by a chip of concrete! What have you learned?

2:09 – Mark tells someone named Donnie D. (part of the mysterious Funky Bunch, perhaps?) to “break it down,” we are treated to synth spasms for the next 15 seconds; it sounds like music to seizure to.

2:28 – “Donnie D's on the back up. Drug free so put the crack up.” Does this mean that the mysterious “Donnie D” is backing that ass up and Mark is asking him to bend over and put his crack (ass cleft) into the air? I like to think so.

2:35 – “I'm anti d-r-u-g-g-i-e my body is healthy And rhymes makes me wealthy.” Well now you’re just bragging, Mark.

2:40 “And the funky bunch helps me to bring you a show with no intoxication” Are they his sponsors? Is the undercurrent of the song that Mark is a recovering addict and his friends are helping him keep his urges under control?

2:42 -  Oh god, he just said “Yeah” again. This time to the woman he just boned. It seems slightly more appropriate, but still creepy.

2:55 - Is now a good time to mention the people t-bagging puddles of water? I think so.

2:56 - Wahlberg’s porking his lady again and his cohorts dance under bridges. Is the message that Mark is good in bed because he works out and stays off drugs? So far I like this theory the best.

3:01 -  watch this bit over and over. The fat lady waves her arms like the melting witch in “The Wizard of Oz” while screeching “sweeeeet sensation.” I want to see this second of video every time I wake up.

3:05 – “Now the time has come for you to get up.” I’m watching your music video, Mark. Do you want me to get up and walk away from this piece of art? Please say yes.

3:10 – He punches the hell out of the thing that looks like a body pillow filled with fiberglass. With all that dust in the air he’s gonna be so itchy tomorrow.

3:16 – “I command you to dance.” What the hell, Mark? I thought you were cool, trying to keep me off drugs and get me to take up boxing as healthy stress relief. Now you’re commanding me. I’m a terrible dancer. You don’t want to see it. Trust me.

3:20 -  Oohhh, I love the piano part. It’s sounds as if Scott Joplin was reincarnated without any talent and when looking for the one last thing to push him to suicide, decided he’d work with Mark Wahlberg on a song.

3:31 – Why are they dancing in puddles when dry ground is literally 5 feet away? Do you know how unsanitary those puddles are? They could have hobo urine in them.

3:46 -  Those women are humping the ground! Why? And look closely at the ponytail flip from the one on the far left, that is how you flip a ponytail, goddamit.

3:48 – Now the guys are doing it too? Are they doing what Marky said and “Putting that crack up?”

3:51 – That man just did a somersault right into a puddle! Now he’s gonna track that mess all over the carpet!

3:57 – I’m pretty sure Aretha Jr. Is getting tasered there. This is worse than the Rodney King footage!

4:01 – I swear to god he’s doing Shaq Fu.

4:04 – That girl is repeatedly banging her genitalia into the concrete… and she’s loving it. I think Mark needs to drug test these dancers.

4:11 – Mark has a shirt on in this shot! 3 to 1 he’s shirtless the next time they cut back to him.

4:14 – No way, he has a shirt on for two consecutive shots. This has got to be a record for him.

4:26 – There we go, I’d almost forgotten what Mark looked like without clothes for the 20 seconds we didn’t see him stripped to the waist.

At least he solved that problem on the album cover.