I fucking swear, you people gave me herpes of the eye

When did fat girls decide to get on the "I'm gonna pretend I'm in kindergarten again and oil my lardass up so I can squeeze into some leggings" train, don't they know they have no rights? Also, the leggings train can't handle that kind of weight, seriously, get off, you are going to break the fucking train.

There is never a day where I think to myself "I am in way too good of a mood, I hope the offspring of Jabba the Hutt and a yam swerves in front of me while I'm walking so I have to see her flapjack ass slapping around like an old man's sack." Nevertheless, I end up witnessing the rear of what appears to be a sentient mountain of mashed potatoes in jeggings at some inconvenient time, like when I'm on an escalator and have no chance to move up or down or avoid staring at the cataclysm rippling in front of me. All I can do is stand there and taste this morning's waffles rushing up the back of my throat.

All I'm saying is you gotta know your boundaries, people. I don't walk around in a thong because it would inspire mass suicide. I don't tattoo a picture of Steve Jobs dildoing himself with an iphone on my forehead because I'd never get job. I don't wear burnt t-shirts because my nipples aren't as fuzzy as Sting's.

I don't have that soul piercing stare either.

Fat people should be wearing fat people clothes, like giant black trash bags so they can sweat out the pounds, or shirts that say "I'm The Reason They're Starving In Africa & I Don't Give a Fuck." I could respect that. Acknowledge you're fat, grow a sack (not that you could see it with your stomach in the way) and stop wearing fucking leggings. Especially the leopard print ones, not even hookers wear those.

Actually, there is one time that fat girls are allowed to wear leggings: when they're wearing a skirt without underwear and riding a bike. I had to see some chubby chick's cooter at 9 AM while she rode her beach cruiser past me. It looked like someone pressed poodle hair into a mound of Vaseline. I would've killed her for the common good if I hadn't been too busy twitching on the sidewalk and fighting to suppress the memory.

NFL-Niggardly (look it up) Fucking Losers

Patriots - Way to ruin cutoff sweaters for everyone.
Jets - I heard the team just runs their drills around Rex Ryan.
Dolphins - Even their logo looks like it rides the short bus.
Bills - Who?
Steelers - Roethlisberger's obviously just trying to catch up to Kobe Bryant.
Ravens - They're a lot better team when they're in Indianapolis.
Bengals - I applaud them for being the only openly gay football team. Just look at their jerseys.
Browns - They're a lot better team when they're called the Ravens.
Broncos - They're so bad Kenny McKinley would rather die than play for them.
Chiefs - I dare you to name 4 players on their roster. I fucking dare you.
Chargers - Let's face it, this team would be better off if they started Ryan Leaf.
Raiders - Yeah, that commitment to excellence thing is reeeeally working out .
Colts- Without that guy from SNL they're basically the Detroit Lions.
Texans - So, it was a toss up between the Texans and the Thunder, right?
Jaguars - When your best player is 4'9" you know you have problems.
Titans - Steve McNair: First Titan to be murdered in cold blood.
Falcons - Their owner's name is Arthur. No, really.
Panthers - I haven't seen that much turquoise since the last time I was in The Castro.
Saints - What is up with Drew Bree's scar? Did his husband beat him?
Buccaneers - Ooooooh, is this the team that Johnny Depp plays for?
Eagles - "If Vick can throw the football like that I'll let him kill as many dogs as he wants." - Andy Reid
Giants - They do pretty well considering their QB has Down Syndrome.
Cowboys - Jerry Jones actually owns all of his black players. No, really.
Redskins - And you thought that Jerry Jones joke was racist.
Bears - Defense wins championships. Oh, wait...
Packers - What are they, Jewish?
Lions - I could put a bunch of retarded spider monkeys on the field and they would win more games than these guys.
Vikings - Someone just staple Adrian Peterson's hands to the goddamn ball.
49ers - Because who needs a Quarterback?
Seahawks - Shaun Alexander was caught fucking Elizabeth Hasselbeck; he was never heard from again.
Rams - As if St. Louis wasn't forgettable enough.
Cardinals - There's a reason they're last on this list.

The Games They Play

So, why do girls feel it necessary to play games with your head? It's like they want you to hate them to the point where you stakeout their house on a Thursday night and realize, yeah, her place would be easy to rob. Then they do shit like go away for a long period of time, so you think it's time for you to do other women...but no, 2 fucking weeks later they text you and you're all gaga over them again. Also, let's be honest, the friend zone is a giant ruse created by girls so that they can reject you nicely, from now on if I get friend zoned, she will wake up with a hyena in her room because just picture that, it's awesome. Next, if the girl you like is deciding that she may or may not want a boyfriend, GET THE FUCK OUT! Now I'm not going to follow my own advice because I will be going after this girl because well...she's really hot. But really, that's a stupid reason to go after someone, so if...rather when, she fucks me over, I cannot say I will be surprised. So what have we learned today? Girls are not to be trusted.

Girls Are Not To Be Trusted - watch this, it explains everything you'll need to know.


Well, that's it for me this Sunday, October 17th.


-Catchy tagline.