The College Survival Guide - Part 1 - CSULB: Taint of the Golden Coast

Before coming to college you probably heard stuff about higher learning and broadening your mind with beautiful life lessons and friendships that will stay with you forever. Of course, upon entering college you thought “Yeah, I’m going to have stellar experiences and grow as a person.” No. No you didn’t. If you say you did, you’re a liar.

You came to college because you think it’s gonna be awesome to go to parties and sports games and that you’ll meet awesome people who will fuck you. Well, if you think that’s close to the truth either you are WRONG. Those are all LIES. Here’s the truth about this campus: who blows, who will blow you, and how to get rid of all that smoke the world has been blowing up your ass about the college experience for years, all neatly compartmentalized into as many segments as I want to create.

Because I have experience, am awesome, and hold a mastery of the English language somewhere between that of Shakespeare and that guy who wrote “fuck” on the bathroom wall in elementary school, I’m gonna be the momma goose and guide you little goslings.

(Not to be confused with Ryan Gosling, the douche from The Notebook who unrealistically got action while sporting a hobo beard)

Partying: Let’s start with the most important thing about college, Parties. The places where you can get alcohol, drugs, and maybe meet someone fucked up on enough of these to make the mistake of rubbing up against you. At Long Beach State you only have one option if you want to go to a good party, leave Long Beach. Santa Barbara and San Diego are each about 90 minutes away, flip a coin and pick one. Otherwise, settle for cruising to an apartment that smells like it is wallpapered in burnt cannabis, has a temperature hovering around 100 degrees, and a host that demands you all use library voices so that he doesn’t get another noise complaint.

If you’re into increasing your chances of getting roofied or mugged, drive into the part of town that looks like the sewer level of a video game and find the nearest frat house for…WAIT…the exact same thing you’d get at any apartment, except now with more douchebags in a larger space. If you give in to the constant bombardment by promoters on facebook, you’ll venture into an 18+ club, because dancing and being around a bunch of assholes is always better when there’s not even the option of drinking away the pain.

Makes you wish you’d taken those honors courses back in high school, doesn’t it?