Class: I’m putting class right after partying and its playmates because this is the closest they’ll ever come to coexisting in your college experience. College courses are a massive game of chicken, in which you compete with your peers and instructors over who can retain interest in the subject for the longest period of time. Here are three simple rules that, if followed, will minimize your work load.
True Genius
1. Required Reading is a suggestion. Most College professors lack teaching credentials or even basic communication skills, if you really think they’re going to be able to correlate a course between reading material and a lesson plan, you’re wrong. Instructors prefer to ramble about their own opinions and favorite parts of any subject, simply regurgitate those into tests and papers and you’re golden.
Metaphor for the collegiate student/teacher relationship.
2. Office Hours are for brown-nosing suck-up bitches who are more adept at rimming their teacher than performing any given task. If you want to waste more time talking to the lady who makes every historic event a leaping off point for feminist diatribe you’re either masochistic or so desperate for grades you’d suck shit off of broken glass for an A.
Pau Gasol: Philosopher, Saint, Caveman, Seal Rapist.
3. When life gives you lemons… outsource them to a lemonade factory. Find friends, friends with talents. Put up with these “friends,” pretend to like them. Then when it comes time to write that term paper you’re “not good at writing research papers” or “terrible at making Powerpoint presentations.” A good “friend” will assist you, and you will subtly dump the work load in their lap and you can text-flirt with that girl you fingerbanged last weekend. With any luck, you can get through college while only doing half the work for your required classes, and still pass.
You’re welcome.
And really, I just wanted to include a random picture of Pau Gasol.
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