R.I.P. Nelson Mandela: Incredible Hollywood Actor

Today, Nelson Mandela died. An era has ended and we all must say goodbye to a great man, a legend, a unique voice with something incredible to say, a man who was, most importantly, an incredible screen actor.
 

I know, you think I’m making a big deal out of this. “Sure,” you say “Nelson Mandela turned in incredible performances in Driving Miss Daisy and Chain Reaction (Co-starring Keanu Reeves) but at the end of the day Mr. Mandela was just a Hollywood actor plying his sonorous voice across Tinseltown. It’s not like he changed the world or anything.”
 

But how good was Nelson Mandela at narrating the struggle of portly seabirds in March of the Penguins? Not to mention that TV show, Through the Wormhole. He taught me about science and theoretical physics and all kinds of stuff. Yeah, Mandela didn’t fight to end state-instituted racism and change an entire country but he was still pretty cool in Wanted as the bad guy. I mean, I thought Nelson was good the whole time! He was the leader of the whole group of assassins and then in the end it turned out he was manipulating all these highly trained killers for his own reasons! Whammo! Shocker! I know, he didn’t write the story but he acted the hell of it. Nelson Mandela might not be the topic of history courses a hundred years from now but he was such a good actor Shakespeare would’ve shook his hand and patted his rump as if to say “Good game out there, buddy.”

Don’t even get me started on The Shawshank Redemption. I can still hear Nelson Mandela’s voice ringing in my ears, “Andy Dufresne crawled through a river of shit and came out clean on the other side.” How believable was Nelson in the role of the convict? Do you know how much skill that takes? It’s not like Nelson Mandela had spent 27 years behind bars because he was branded as a political revolutionary and suffered his sentence with incredible grace and inspiring hope. Mandela did a great job playing a convict without any real life experience, which is chill as fuck.

You can have your Mahatma Ghandis and Martin Luther King Jr.’s and Malcolm X’s: those people did incredible things in their home country that still inspire us to this day. Nelson Mandela’s performance in Million Dollar Baby may not have taken steps to eliminate racial boundaries in a nation but that movie won Oscars and that’s pretty cool.

Plus, he’s God.

Why Superman Sucks

 

Quick! Who’s the greatest, super-est, most heroic-ist superhero of all time.

Not fast enough. And also, wrong. You’re probably thinking of Superman.

Cause of death: lack of swag 

It’s Captain Marvel. He’s much more of a hero than Superman could ever be.

 

“But, Vigilante,” you stutter your response like the stunted half-wit you are, “Superman’s the best there is. He’s got super strength, super speed, invulnerability, super-intelligence, super-hearing, super-stamina, the ability to fly, frost breath, heat vision, x-ray vision, and perhaps most important, his super-nose!”

Not sure I want to know what scent he followed to that alley... 

Yeah, I guess he’s alright. Superman is a selfless boy scout who always does the right thing and he’s a great example of the altruistic, perfect-role-model hero that gives us all something to look up to. The company that would later be known as DC did a pretty good job when they invented Superman in 1938.

He's destroying that car because it's not made in America, dammit! 

Captain Marvel’s better. He was created less than 2 years after Superman by Fawcett Comics, but instead of calling him a Superman rip-off I prefer to think of him as an improvement.

 Superman lifts cars? Captain marvel fucking throws them. 

If you look at powers it’s almost a dead heat. Captain Marvel has the Wisdom of Solomon, Strength of Hercules, Stamina of Atlas, Power of Zeus, Courage of Achilles, and the Speed of Mercury.

“Holy shit!” You screech whilst soiling yourself, “Solomon and Zeus? In addition to the powers of multiple Greek Gods and Demigods Captain Marvel has the wisdom of Solomon?” Solomon’s a Jewish king from the Hebrew Old Testament, meaning Captain Marvel has the power of the fucking Bible on his side.

Plus, Solomon was Jewish so Captain Marvel must be great with money

 

If you want to see them duke it out, DC bought the rights to Captain marvel ages ago and now places him in their universe, so you have this. But, this isn’t about powers.

You see, Superman is an outer-space alien who happens to look human. He’s the last remnant of a master race that should be ruling earth instead of us. From infancy, Superman had the powers of a God among men. His greatness comes from choosing to use those powers to help humanity rather than enslave us all. But the problem is, he’s not relatable. He’s not human. He doesn’t know what it’s like to be weak, human, or fallible. He’s an untouchable god our children could never hope of making a connection with. Superman was designed and created in a time where comics were meant for little boys but he gives children nothing to relate to.

That’s why we got a generation of emo Batman fans with daddy issues

Captain Marvel, however, is a little boy.

The perfect metaphor for puberty

Billy Batson is an average kid who was chosen by an ancient wizard to become the superpowered force for good. When troubles get too big, the world is too scary, or there is an injustice to widespread for him to stop, all Billy Batson has to do is say one word and in a literal flash of lightning, he becomes Captain Marvel. Billy Batson may not be able to solve the problems threatening him, but he knows Captain Marvel can.

What kid hasn’t wished they could just grow up in order to escape curfews, chores, arguing parents, or terrifying life in a broken home? All the children who read Captain Marvel’s early adventures had an escape, a fantasy world where a powerless child could instantly “grow up” and escape the helplessness of life as a child. Superman never had the fears that the average child did, never experienced a life where he couldn’t just punch his way out of trouble.

Through Billy Batson and Captain Marvel children have a hero that is just as powerful, invulnerable, and intrinsically dedicated to good as Superman, but is miraculously relatable at the same time. Captain Marvel fulfills the fantasy of exodus from the mundane to the fantasic, where we can become the hero we wish we were. Captain Marvel is the ultimate escape for children, and by extension, the child inside all of us. Aren’t we all scared sometimes? We have so much to fear: bills, economic downturns, serial killers, war, genocide, and natural disasters. If we could say SHAZAM and instantly have the power to make all that better, to get rid of the fear in our lives, I bet we’d all do it without a second thought.

Ask yourself this. Wouldn’t we appreciate the power to change the world for good much more than someone who’s never known what it’s like to feel fear and vulnerability?

Comic Relief

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          If you happen to read comic books, or even if you’ve never read one but you happen to have gotten a papercut from a radioactive trade paperback then you’ve heard of The New 52.

 

          

Oh I get it, his t-shirt has a cape attached. That's less ridiculous than spandex.

It’s not really new anymore because it started in September of 2011, and much like the disaster a decade before, it shook America to its core, and it was an inside job. What DC Comics (the guys responsible for Batman and Superman) did was attempt to transform all their comics to catch up with current trends.

You see, dark and gritty realism is cool.

           

Pictured: cash cow dark and gritty realism

I was all for this at first. I love dark and gritty like fat kids love wearing their t-shirt in the pool so no one makes fun of them. I’m a huge fan of comic book writers like Warren Ellis, Neil Gaiman, and Alan Moore, and they’re all different kinds of twisted. But then they crossed the line with Lobo.

       

 Basically, he's a ripped KISS fan who hates colorblind KKK members

This is Lobo. He’s a guy so badass and over the top he’s the only survivor of his entire race. Not because a natural disaster destroyed his homeworld like some pussies we know (looking at you, Superman), but because Lobo killed everyone else on his planet with his own two hands. He rides a space-motorcycle across the cosmos, wreaking havoc and pretty much shooting peoples dicks off just because he got drunk and he feels like it. He’s my favorite character in DC comics. Or at least, he was, until this happened.

       

So, now he's some sort of fishman/TRON: Legacy hybrid? Seems legit.

This is dark and gritty realism. No more over the top 80’s hair, no more space motorcycle, no more punching space-KKK people in the face with chains, no more fun.

This is when I understood I don’t want all my media to be dark, gritty and realistic. Dark and gritty has its place and when it’s well done, it’s amazing. Hell, Transmetropolitan by Warren Ellis is one of my favorite comics ever and it’s set in the most bleak future I’ve ever seen in fiction. But, Transmetropolitan remembers it's a comic; it has fun. The main character has a gun that makes people shit themselves, for christ’s sake.

          

I would literally trade my eyelids for one of these.

At the end of the day, comics have a tradition of fun. While you can have completely serious comics and they can be incredible (Neil Gaiman’s Sandman, for instance) there are some characters that aren’t meant for that. Batman is dark, gritty and realistic and everyone’s known for years that if they want dark and gritty from DC Comics, Batman is where to go. However, DC’s endeavor is to make every title dark, gritty and realistic. Instead of creating a tightly knit universe with a strong theme what DC has produced is just...boring.

          

Oh good god, they hired Rob Liefeld. This cannot get worse.

There is no room for fun with The New 52. There is no room for a character like Lobo with no limits on his debauchery and broad antics of ultra-violence. There’s no room for the bright, sunny Metropolis where Superman solves all our problems with a single punch. There’s no room for Green Arrow to… I don’t know what Green Arrow does, reads Shakespeare? Combs his beard? Emails other superheroes the meeting minutes so he feels like he has a purpose?

"Ooooo, let’s do a dark and gritty reboot of Green Arrow," said someone who wasn't immediately shot.

 

I argue that we can have it all. We can cover Gotham in darkness and wallow in gritty realism until we smell like hobo puke and still have room for bright Metropolis, Lobo’s insane extraterrestrial pogroms and Star City’s complete worthlessness. Dark, gritty and realistic is the trend but does DC have to forsake the bright innocence of the past in order to follow the trend, or can a company with at least 52 titles make room for fun, for over the top, for a universe populated with unique characters instead of 52 Batmans?

On the bright side, Gotham would be cleaner than an obsessive compulsive's fingernails

The dark and gritty reboot is a cliché now. Every reboot is dark and gritty. Comics are a viable art form with as much potential for personal and social influence as any other but I argue reducing them all to monochromatic, shadowed narratives is just as insulting as regarding them as children’s fair and writing infantile storylines. I want variety. I want Lobo, Superman and Batman. I want funny, stupid, light, upbeat, or even crazy sometimes. I want a choice and DC isn’t giving me that anymore, so the only decision I have left is to find something else to read.

          

Don't even get me started on you.

Marky Mark 4 Lyfe

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Mark Wahlberg is a god. He was Dirk Diggler in Boogie Nights, the only man who survived The Departed and he didn’t let any old men suck his dick in The Basketball Diaries (Spoiler alert: a man sucks Leonardo DiCaprio’s weiner in that movie).

But how could we forget he was also the man who brought us this.

“Good Vibrations” by Marky Mark and The Funky Bunch. Mark Wahlberg is a savage beast with pecs you could iron your slacks on. Why did he need the help of this mysterious “Funky Bunch” to make a song?

No, they look really comfortable with him.

The answer: Because this song had too much soul for even Mark Wahlberg to handle.

Let’s “break it down”, as a white guy from Boston would say if he wished he were black.

0:01 – Okay, I love the synth-snare intro. Mark Wahlberg obviously decided that real drums were for pussies and that Casio had the beats that really speak to the youth culture.

0:05 – “Yeeaaahhh, can you feel it, baby?” Wahlberg moans like he’s talking on the phone while taking a dump. Is he trying to seduce me/ What am I supposed to be feeling? Does he really know me well enough to call me his “baby?” Is he talking to a real infant? If so, he got his “baby talk” and his “I’m going to molest a newborn” tones mixed up.

0:09 – Marky doesn’t wait for my answer, or else he can read my mind because his follow up to the above question is “I can too.” What are Mark Wahlberg and I both feeling? He sounds out of breath, which is normal for Wahlberg who delivers every line of dialogue like he just sprinted 3 blocks and barged into the room, but with female “ooh”s in the background it sounds like I’m sandwiched in a threesome with Mark and Serena Williams

0:10-0:22 – The viewers seem to be peeping through a set of venetian blinds as a woman undresses in front of a shirtless Wahlberg. I feel like a pervert. Then a group of dancing negroes (that’s what they were called in the 90's, right?) appear on screen while Mark’s voice urges them to “come on, swing.” Are the Funky Bunch his slaves? If not, why would they take orders? That seems like a terrible form of collaboration.

0:34 – A slightly smaller version of Aretha Franklin dressed in Liberace’s castoffs belts out “It’s such a good vibration” while Mark Wahlberg tapes his hands in preparation for what appears to be a boxing match. What is the good vibration? Is this what I was supposed to be feeling earlier? What kind of sex toys does Mark like to play with?

0:49 – “Yo,” Mark speak-raps angrily, “It’s about that time.” What time? Time for you to start the fucking song? Yeah, we’re basically a minute in and all you’ve done is moan a couple sentences.

0:51 – “…to break forth the rhythm and the rhyme.” Ohhh, that’s what time it is. Okay, since it’s that time you should probably leave and let a black person take over this song. You’re white, you have no rhythm, and rhyming “time” with “rhyme” isn’t exactly poetry.

0:56 – “I wanna see sweat comin’ out your pores.” What? Why do you want to see that, Mark? Are you aroused by that or simply urging me to exercise and maintain good cardiovascular health?

1:00 - “Strictly hip hop, no I ain’t singin’ this.”

You’re not singing this, Mark? Then who the fuck is? This is your song but you’re telling us that you’re not even performing in it. That’d be like me saying “This is my house but none of my stuff is there and I don’t ever go inside.”

1:02 – “Bringing this to the entire nation. Black, white, red, brown, feel the vibration.”

I think you’re a racist, Mark. “Red” is not a politically correct term for an entire group of people. I also notice you left out yellow, very interesting…

1:10 – Look at these clips of Mark boxing while wearing a backwards cap: poetry in motion. It has nothing to do with the song, but it captures the essence of douchebaggery.

1:16 – Once again we’re peeping in on a woman stripteasing for Mark. We’re voyeurs and Wahlberg looks at the camera like “You should stop peeking through these blinds if you want to keep your teeth.” I think I got a half-chub.

1:19 – WTF, Mark Wahlberg is curling cinder blocks attached to some sort of pole. Are you telling me he has a punching bag, a speed bag, and all the other proper boxing equipment but won’t splurge on real weights? Come on buddy, that just seems unsafe.

1:25 – No, he has real dumbells, but I guess lifting cinder blocks gives you more street cred than giant metal plates with standardized weights designed for safety and complete training.

1:27 – Wait, he bench presses real weights. Why does he use the cinder blocks for curls? Mark Wahlberg’s workout makes my head hurt, something that must happen to him every time he tries to read.

1:30 - “Vibrations good like Sunkist” Wait, is this an orange soda commercial? Are you getting paid to mention these brands in your song? What’s next? “I’m vibrating like I’m made by Trojan, Decaffeinated Lipton White Tea is my favorite love potion?”

1:32 – “…made me want to know who done this.” You did, you idiot. This is your song.

1:38 – “I'm here to prove to you that we can party on the positive side and pump positive vibes.” Wait is this song about sex toys or having an upbeat attitude? Is the guy who went on to play a heroin addict, a prostitute, and a professional thief about to preach to me?

1:44 – He’s fully clothed! Can you keep your shirt on for more than two seconds, Mark? Let’s see.

1:46 – No, he cannot.

2:00 – Now Mark Wahlberg’s having sex while the lady sings the chorus. You couldn’t wait until the song was over, Mark? You need counseling. Why is there a naked lady in this video anyway if it’s about being positive instead of kinky sex?

2:03 – I’m glad Mark keeps the bandana tied to his head during sex. I was worried we wouldn’t be able to identify him as a tool while he rams his tongue past her tonsils.

2:08 – You dropped the cinder block weights, mark, and they broke. See how unsafe they are? Someone could be injured by a chip of concrete! What have you learned?

2:09 – Mark tells someone named Donnie D. (part of the mysterious Funky Bunch, perhaps?) to “break it down,” we are treated to synth spasms for the next 15 seconds; it sounds like music to seizure to.

2:28 – “Donnie D's on the back up. Drug free so put the crack up.” Does this mean that the mysterious “Donnie D” is backing that ass up and Mark is asking him to bend over and put his crack (ass cleft) into the air? I like to think so.

2:35 – “I'm anti d-r-u-g-g-i-e my body is healthy And rhymes makes me wealthy.” Well now you’re just bragging, Mark.

2:40 “And the funky bunch helps me to bring you a show with no intoxication” Are they his sponsors? Is the undercurrent of the song that Mark is a recovering addict and his friends are helping him keep his urges under control?

2:42 -  Oh god, he just said “Yeah” again. This time to the woman he just boned. It seems slightly more appropriate, but still creepy.

2:55 - Is now a good time to mention the people t-bagging puddles of water? I think so.

2:56 - Wahlberg’s porking his lady again and his cohorts dance under bridges. Is the message that Mark is good in bed because he works out and stays off drugs? So far I like this theory the best.

3:01 -  watch this bit over and over. The fat lady waves her arms like the melting witch in “The Wizard of Oz” while screeching “sweeeeet sensation.” I want to see this second of video every time I wake up.

3:05 – “Now the time has come for you to get up.” I’m watching your music video, Mark. Do you want me to get up and walk away from this piece of art? Please say yes.

3:10 – He punches the hell out of the thing that looks like a body pillow filled with fiberglass. With all that dust in the air he’s gonna be so itchy tomorrow.

3:16 – “I command you to dance.” What the hell, Mark? I thought you were cool, trying to keep me off drugs and get me to take up boxing as healthy stress relief. Now you’re commanding me. I’m a terrible dancer. You don’t want to see it. Trust me.

3:20 -  Oohhh, I love the piano part. It’s sounds as if Scott Joplin was reincarnated without any talent and when looking for the one last thing to push him to suicide, decided he’d work with Mark Wahlberg on a song.

3:31 – Why are they dancing in puddles when dry ground is literally 5 feet away? Do you know how unsanitary those puddles are? They could have hobo urine in them.

3:46 -  Those women are humping the ground! Why? And look closely at the ponytail flip from the one on the far left, that is how you flip a ponytail, goddamit.

3:48 – Now the guys are doing it too? Are they doing what Marky said and “Putting that crack up?”

3:51 – That man just did a somersault right into a puddle! Now he’s gonna track that mess all over the carpet!

3:57 – I’m pretty sure Aretha Jr. Is getting tasered there. This is worse than the Rodney King footage!

4:01 – I swear to god he’s doing Shaq Fu.

4:04 – That girl is repeatedly banging her genitalia into the concrete… and she’s loving it. I think Mark needs to drug test these dancers.

4:11 – Mark has a shirt on in this shot! 3 to 1 he’s shirtless the next time they cut back to him.

4:14 – No way, he has a shirt on for two consecutive shots. This has got to be a record for him.

4:26 – There we go, I’d almost forgotten what Mark looked like without clothes for the 20 seconds we didn’t see him stripped to the waist.

At least he solved that problem on the album cover.

The Best Driving Playlist Ever

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I’m not gonna say I’ve been everywhere and I know everything, but I know everything. As a Vigilante it’s my duty and right to be better than you, righter than you and keep my butthole tighter than you.

Music is my expertise (just like everything else). I’ve taken many a roadtrip and ever since my early days fumbling behind the wheel like a nervous freshman trying to open his locker on the first day of high school, I’ve been on a quest to rock out as hard as possible while I drive.

You want to take a long haul across a country, spitting rubber, swerving around deer and seeing if you can pee in an empty Gatorade bottle while you’re doing 85? Check out some of these sweet tunes. If you happen to die from a groin tear because your balls are pulled too far to the walls, give the devil this list when you see him and say it comes from the Vigilante.

The Ultimate Roadtrip Playlist

1. Home Sweet Home - Motley Crue

2. Cells (Instrumental) - The Servant

3. Thunderkiss ’65 - White Zombie

4. Sometimes - Miami Horror

5. Ramblin’ Man - The Allman Brothers Band

6. Hair of the Dog - Nazareth

7. Portions for Foxes - Rilo Kiley

8. The Trooper - Iron Maiden

9. Hold On - Tim Armstrong

10. Red Barchetta - Rush

11. Big Empty - Stone Temple Pilots

12. Running Down a Dream - Tom Petty

13. Up in Smoke - Holly Springs Disaster

14. This Year - The Mountain Goats

15. Radar Love - Golden Earring

16. Here I Go Again - Whitesnake

17. Long Cool Woman in a Black Dress - The Hollies

18. The Jazz Police - Gordon Goodwin’s Big Phat Band

19. Prehistoric Dog - Red Fang

20. Mrs. Robinson - Simon & Garfunkel

21. Driving Home - Hot Water Music

22. Going Mobile - The Who

23. Sister Christian - Night Ranger

24. A Real Hero - College (feat. Electric Youth)

25. Space Truckin’ - Deep Purple

26. Trouble Man - Marvin Gaye

27. Born to be Wild - Steppenwolf

28. Thunder Road - Bruce Springsteen

29. Cemetery Gates - Pantera

30. Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen